the waitress chronicles.
(chinese food love and politics)
pocket protector.
secrets.
convenient.
apron.
tag along.
capital I’s.
I haven’t finished a journal since high school. from front to back. my sexuality is something that caused me a lot of pain when I was growing up. I never talk about it with you. when a man looks at me I think he wants something. even if I’m not the prettiest girl in the room. I can still feel it. I could date guys if I never slept with them. and it’s not their bodies. it’s greed. I don’t want to be possessed by anyone. and I don’t want to possess. the best turn on for me. consideration. small things. meaningful things. things that don’t cost money.
sometimes I sit and stare when I’m in public and I don’t notice I’ve been doing it a long time until people around me get up. wander off. I’m not aware. I’m never aware until something makes me aware. I’m alone. I’m surrounded. I’m hiding in the bathroom of this bookstore. hiding. sitting on my apron with head against the wall. unsanitary. unclean. nails are chipping. you think. I am. what? unable to evolve. you never give me a chance to.
^
I’m a waitress. I’m a lot of things. but. even a shit job like this I try hard at. I’m good at. I excel because I have a goal. I want to be good at everything. and I am. except love and math. not loving myself holds me back from loving anyone well.
most artists don’t love themselves. and the only way they can is to create something for other people to love.
I can love myself through the eyes of someone that loves my drawings or writing.
so to battle my own self hatred I will be my own artist.
I will create only for myself.
I will be more selfish.
I need to be more selfish.
I will be my own muse.
^
sugar rosa.
wonton soup.
dance.
^
she says she’s a nude model. most of the shy ones are. I’m done waiting. I gave you the opportunity . you can only push me so far. love isn’t boring. leaning your back against someone isn’t boring. you look at it like a competition. there’s nothing to win. we are. in this alleyway. they see what I see.
it’s comforting me.
I am inspired by everyone.
but you.
sometimes you need to give your muse away.
you assume way too much.
I am.
the writing on the wall. sometimes.
we stand here against walls. like dolls.
we were too scared to be ourselves anymore. fear is boring. I always found you interesting.
my fingers smell like balsamic. I will miss making you dinner. my anger will subside when my want for you goes away. you think I am weak because I love you. unconditionally. I am an unconditional kind of gal.
I’m too humble. you’re too proud. I will watch you fail. you will watch me succeed. you resent me because I am a lot of things you strive to be. I am honesty. you are. a. liar. I can apologize. you never learned how. I watch you struggle with hidden self hatred while I wear mine on my sleeve to help people recognize their own.
^
I’m writing by candle light. with the windows open. I hear dogs barking. I see the night calling. I close this window. I close this home up to market. I mark it in my calendar. real estate. is a state. a state my reality exists. it’s up for grabs. up for sale. renovation. street rock. crack rock. up and down the block. I pedal. peddle. poetry. I am winded. from this bicycle. pedaling up hill. cheap thrills. and beat writers. beats and books and tonight I played guitar like I could never when you were here. held me back like I will fight hold me back ms. feather light. as a light as a lights as a. and you were stiff as a board. we all float when we hold. our breath. in wait.
lucky cat martini.
lucky cat.
lucky.
are we lucky. I feel lucky. sometimes lucky.
these lights are lucky. these dumplings in my stomach
are lucky. I am. asleep.
there should be a sign here. there should always be a sign.
I write in the cove. in this hole. in this in this self medicating niche. I am.
a. cliché.
^
I love to read out loud. I want to read to people my thoughts and I will. spoons in a glass. concave. lustful. spoons. for spooning.
her arms around me while I sobbed meant more than 1000 kisses from you. your kisses were hard. dispassionate. but I don’t fault you for not being passionate with me. you only are when you think I don’t want you.
the day by the fountain. your back was to me. your shoulders were firm.
^
I’m walking down these streets.
walking down these streets.
wishing you were here with me.
we can hold hands.
we can tell stories.
we can fake it.
we’re everything we pretend to be.
I’m sitting on an old lovers swing.
sitting here in my bare feet.
staring at the car my grandmother gave to me.
because I made so many mistakes.
so many fucking mistakes.
mistakes are the only thing I’m comfortable with these days.
sitting on an old lovers swing.
sitting.
and swinging in my bare feet.
I’m comfortable with bare feet.
yes.
I’m comfortable with bare feet.
my voice is not strong.
my chords are not solid.
but I try hard.
I try so hard.
and it makes up for it.
^
I got soy sauce on my finger nails. I ate rice. I imagine it expanding in my stomach. it’s comforting. but art comforts me more.
^
I’m too rich to be poor.
I’m too poor to be wealthy.
I don’t need make up because I made you up.
I’m too short to be tall
so small. so small.
and I’m too big for this body.
I’m too strong for you.
because you’re too weak for me.
I’m too humble
and you’re too proud.
Even though I never begged you to beg
I am naked. in front of this mirror.
and this is what it is.
the economy inspires me to live free.
we spend too much money on hypocrisy.
going green is a scene my shoes think are obscene.
vote for obama.
I am. I plan to. I will.
but I’d rather vote for us.
every single one of us.
my bank account. my hunger. my love.
the dirty tile of this bathroom floor was built to seat me.
and hear me.
in all narcissistic honesty.
I waste paper because I have no memory of this.
an hour from now.
and I am guilty.
can you hear me now.
am I loud enough now.
would you like me to scream.
would you like me to dream.
the easiest way to be beautiful.
is to be seen.
is to be heard.
is to speak.
my father never let me.
hear no evil.
speak no evil
I am. no evil.
but I see evil all around me.
so I will not be around.
the statue in his office.
in his office.
in his office.
like the president sits in his office.
the world is my office.
and you are my desk.
^
waitress rebellion.
her tongue was bloody. the smell was horrible. I caused a death. I caused pain. I cause pain. when pain is not what I want to cause. ever. I am a lover. I love life the possibility of life. I want to feel good enough. my cat thinks I am. she is. enough. sex is overrated. don’t expect anything from me and I will give you everything.
I went to see a gypsy and I got my fortune read. I should have given her a cookie.
human destination in a perfect world there has to be a choice. borrowed toothpaste. borrowed time.
a money string on halos ring. around your head my little posies.
I got a splinter. in my finger. I got a splinter. from sticking it in your wooden mouth.
^
I found more pens. so many inspiring women. people. people who do. I’m strangely attracted to boys lately. but not sexually. I don’t want to be defined but I know that the emotional connection with women is so spider webbed intertwined.
decline the weapons for all the secret wars. ridged. cylindrical. flamingo.
absorbed like sponges. your holes are salty. bare your teeth girl. bare it all.
^
I want to crash like the stock market.
I want my chaos to be more than a theory.
plywood.
sly dog.
cheshire cat.
she looks so good in a bowler hat.
I am impressed to watch you bark.
growl. there are habits forming. I want to be one.
soul food. metal box. ladies and gentleman!
I am a gentle woman!
and I present to you this presentation. of. myself!
I am a paper lamp. bright. light. but a night light!
thin arms. comfortable charms. pennies and rocks.
hash instead of cash in mismatched tube socks.
you are a work of art.
who who.
night owls make the night less lonely.
a galaxy of wide eyed necks turning. upturned beaks. snobbish prudish.
feathers. spread eagled. silhouetted. but I am. lamp light. I am a shadow puppet.
and these hands are just shadows.
on this roof. I can touch.
everything.
^
my body is a revolution and if I wanted to be in the industrial revolution all I would need is a wrench.
^
I am childlike. I’m not anything
because I am everything.
I’m callous and I’m careful with fashion lovers friendship consumption but not my body. bruises are how I know I had a good time. the mysterious one on my thigh so high so high. is in the shape of a fox.
^
I want to be a shaman. but really I want to be a woman in a shawl.
harold and maude. is a movie I believe in even though I don’t believe in movies lately. I believe in ghosts. but I think I was once harold. and now I am maude.
flags. waving in the wind I’m not sure I believe in. red white and blue. are you ture are you true .
my star
you are
spangled
I’ll wear your banner like a badge
tattoo.
you. on. me.
It’s closing time on this felt tip. Verge. Shaking like ice in a mason jar. Sweet tea mouth. My shoulders are bare. My shoulders don’t care about the weight I bare. My teeth.
We are women that are sly like foxes in this light by the fire we are flickering our tails. We are driven like snow this winter creeps in and I don’t know if I am ready I don’t know I am cold on this floor. If its hurts it’s fucking worth it. It’s worth it. Hit me with your paradise.
I am a waitress. I am authentic. I am a lesbian most of the time. Except when I drink tequila which is not that often. Resolution button. Boys and their toys. Lovely boys. Sports boys. Music boys. Funny boys. Sexual boys. Gay boys.
I don’t know if you’ve noticed. But I’m not wearing any underwear and I don’t have any pockets. Could you hold this for me.
sweet sweet sweet sweet berry mary go lucky honey suckle skinned elbow lucky. mini pearl . I am a girl running with wheels. wolves. and steals I stole some books I stole some looks and I lost 20 dollars in return.
she says she’s a sucker and so am I. she says she’s a sucker without gum in the middle my middle. my middle of the street. we make believe that the ignorance doesn’t exist darlin put on your biking dress. american made mini van mows down uncle sam. sam. I am. uncle. I am disgusted . distrustful. too much of this hustle and bustle to be a humanist. we’re in too big of a hurry cynical kids in the corner setting fire starting a movement. if I was a unicorn and you found me so forlorn would you touch my head and tell me it’s all right. is it all right. are you alright. are you alright. I’m turning right around if you were my wistful unicorn I’d pick you up off the ground. if you were a sucker I’d dust you off and put you in my mouth if I was fasting and you were a pop tart. I’d eat you without a second thought.
I never liked the beatles but I liked their haircuts give me one. I never liked the beatles but dear prudence I want to hold your hand. I want to hold your hand. I will be nervous but I’m going to hold your hand.
(and I did.)
toll booth. sugar sweet. longer legs bed head. driving dread. ding dong the witch is dead.
my wine bottle left a trail al over your city.
some bag lady. is my mother paper or plastic. wrap it up carefully. like a Christmas present. my breasts feel heavy today. my stomach hurts. my heart hurt and I don’t know why. I’m sad and I don’t know why. I don’t think I miss her. I just miss the warmth. I miss arms around my neck as I sleep. any arms will do.
I won’t to carve your pumpkin. green cheese. the moon. my mother and a Pomeranian. she’s a mother. children. named after the northern lights. the northern lights. true north. lensatic asthmatic hopeful. here I am baning on the drain of a shower. you come running. I just want to surround myself with people that will come running.
come running.
come running.
come running.
dear kristen come running. see the people I have found. on concrete in open skies these lines are moving to you and I what’s the destination. what’s the coordinates.
Roxanne this jukebox is amazing it’s weird what four cups of coffee will do.
too much cinnamon not enough sugar I know why he loves you.
secret squirrel:
thirtieth now of october I can only report you masturbating on my couch.
it’s far from here. my hands are dry. new wave.
beat writer.
beat we got it.
old crow. can I have a sip of.
this jack kerouac.
whenever you want baby cakes.
you’re something like a phenomenon.
I pumpkin season.
I would say sober.
how do you do it?
easily.
people try to exert some sort of control over things they cannot change. what will I try to control today.
disease is all around me. I need to eat more eggs. eggs fish. please forgive me. cheese. peanut butter. large and in charge. to the point it hurts me. being small might hurt me. I shouldn’t cater to it.
party crashers. beat writers. she needs to know I love her. I think I just need time to show her. I’m dirty unclean. unhealthy. coming down. but coming clean with my dreams. she untied a piece of string. and I was afraid. but I was not.
bananas real or fake. rant. buster. rant. buster. rant. party crasher. heavy heavy good people.
The burning giraffe.
my boots are made for walking. I want to walk to you. love alley ways. we see people. we know people. I am. unafraid. I want to dance. I am a dancer. you are a platform. my shoes. boots. screws. I want to move. baby baby baby.
I was stuck in a trap. kind of like a bear trap.
we are. made for each other. by someone sewing string. in our edges. enter me. twine. tie me to you. be mine. stolen engagement ring. my diamond doesn’t cost much. and because it costs nothing I will not lose it.
friendship bracelet what were my hands made for. what was my mouth made for. you. always. you. I didn’t know until now.
red wine. I want to drink you. I want to lick the rim of your glass. I want to taste your vintage.
my scarf is more necessary that spaghetti. shivering. wanting my lover here to hold me. console me. undress me. take a bath with me. we will do this soon. she’s worth everything. but the things she’s worth I want without her. we steal cake. we steal shiny things for each other.
shadow puppets.
I was a good note taker.
I offer bonus points.
attendance policies:
students are too dumb to ? (question)
teachers are smart enough to know better.
I. get caught up.
goodbye. sunshine. blue robin egg. garage. drunk hostility. hospitality. in surround sound. polish records. Christmas time. parking meter. conversation. parking deck loose change. 9/11. war. buildings burning. it won’t stop. karen. song for.
sonic youth.
kim gordon.
kiss me till I’m full. sodium. I am starving. for. inspiration. dry eyes. dry mouth. we are interrupted by ourselves. we are children. journey. sunshine. beautiful. day wasted. by sickness. sadness. depression. obsession. artistic. mathematical. equation. I want to love you for a long time please let me. please see me awkward. nudity. necessary lightening. strikes. lightening. strikes me. publish me. open my book. chapter book chapter. chapter. cheater. pumpkin eater. her seeds were her obsession. her love was aggressive. take it to the chapel. take it to the. take it to the. take it to the head. the bull. the horns. love lorn forlorn. wistful unicorn. wistful. I am. amazing.
not sleeping insomnia. I miss you. solitude. not partying. creating. fasting. experiencing. this. epiphany. celibacy. because she’s in another city. wanting her. wanting her on me. inside me. all around me. electronic age. I saw her on stage. beautiful. she is beautiful. I am beautiful. with her. sometimes. today is hard. I miss my grandmother. I am a daughter. I want a mother. I am a sister. she texts me. I am alone she is surrounded. on the way home. I am in love. I am above ground. I desperately want to be under. you are an inexperienced lover by your own words. but I cant tell. you love me so good it hurts. I could tell you anything. I will. I am. I’m going to.
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