recycled conversations.

sitting here on color. getting color. i am. laughing.

we have the most interesting conversations. with strangers. not trading our names or addresses.
i've condensed my entire life into a 2 minute speech at work. if a table, which they often do, asks me questions about myself. i regurgitate a story about a small town. me. ... . a journey that has taken awhile and then at the same time has taken no time at all. i make them laugh.. and it gets me tips.

she says that she does the same thing. except she doesn't get tips. i say that's too bad.
and then she says "i get 9.oo an hour to run ..... A CASH REGISTER".

i tell her my math anxiety is so bad, that when i was offered the lucrative, yet lazy position as cashier in any retail, or bookstore... i turned it down because the pressure was too great for exact change.

then she says. "it tells you how much you have to give back."
and i say. "well. i know that NOW. i just couldn't get over this fear."

immunity challenge.

it's been months since i've heard from you. i understand unresolved. you took my virginity. it makes me want to kill you. blood on the sheets.

if i don't channel all this passion and intensity into art and writing... it overwhelms me. and anyone i'm with. it's such a strong sense of urgency. desire. but it can be such a shadow if i don't create with it.

i internalize way too much.

a painting and a good piece of writing can be more fulfilling than sex. sex is needy.
i remember wanting to be a nun. minus the catholicism. because i hadn't been taught all the rituals. their solitude and at the same time solidarity impressed me.

a rich deep love for yourself and knowing that the world is beautiful and much larger than you is
something that you can depend on.


.............................
sweating in this sun is ok.

'how are pigeons lives so bad that they want to throw themselves under your car? i mean... THEY CAN FUCKING FLY'

if i was a pigeon and i was having a rough day. i'd just fly somewhere where the other pigeons were more chill and inviting. i'd say hey. what's up other way more relaxed pigeon, you wanna go get a cup of coffee. sup. sup. nice wingspan you got there.

i need to learn to be more at ease with everything i cannot control. because we really can't control anything. at all.

except the weather. if you're chinese apparently. right now in my mind there is a little evil chinese man in a dark room. silhouetted. obscure. with thick glasees. yellowing teeth. and he's causing ike the hurricane. therefore causing our gas prices to soar. again. but he's given me this beautiful day. someone elses evil can't be all that bad if you use it wisely and selfishly.

i should do things before work more often. in the sun.